The Happiness Guy.com Blog

2007-02-25T17:46:00.000-08:00

Three Simple Piles

Ever get stressed out because there's just too much competing for your attention? When that happens I often end up doing little or nothing.

Fortunately I've learned a great strategy for prioritizing: do it now, do it later or decide not to do it at all.

It's amazing how much stress this simple strategy can remove. Firstly, by letting me drop some stuff immediately when I decide that I really don't need to give it my attention, ever. And then by encouraging me to sort the rest into now or later. I'm then able to focus on a small part and get it done without getting all stressed out about what I'm not addressing at that moment. Works like a charm!

2007-02-16T19:28:00.000-08:00

Enough

Why do so many of us go through the world acting as though there's not enough to go around? Enough love, attention, praise, opportunity? It's like we're standing in water and wondering how we're going to rehydrate.

If we're just able to let go a little and trust that we can have what we need, we can begin to experience the incredible abundance that surrounds us all. We begin to see the many ways our needs are met when we challenge our feelings of scarcity and lack. I'm reminded of how many times I've praised someone and they respond as though they haven't heard me. It's like we're so focused on how limited things are (including ourselves) that we can only focus on examples of how we can't have what we need.

We can have what we need! And flexibility and openness are powerful allies in recognizing abundance. When I decide precisely what I want, I can blind myself to opportunities that present themselves in other guises. As someone once said, opportunity will knock but you have to open the door.

Believe there are doors, trust there are doors, recognize the doors, hear the knock, and open to opportunity. There is enough!

2007-01-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

The Wonder Of Wonder

How much I choose not to notice the amazing world through which I travel each day! How often I choose not to fully experience the wonder of life.

I want to manifest wonder in two senses of the word- as in awe (noun) and to have curiosity about (verb).

To be alive is a wonder! That we can eat and breathe and excrete and move and reason and choose...wondrous. And yet we take it all so much for granted. To focus, even for a moment, on something so simple and miraculous as our breathing is to touch the wonder of our existence. To pause, even for the briefest of time, and consciously sense the world, is to open to the incredible magic that surrounds us every day, every moment.

To have curiosity is to invite a greater understanding of what surrounds us and to open to the sense of awe at our life and our world. This can be a simple as saying to someone, "I wonder what that's like," or as complex as undertaking a determined study of a subject of interest. I find I can touch wonder quite easily when I just simply listen to others. Really listen, not just hear. Allow others the space to express their knowledge, understanding and experiences. Someone recently told me a great reminder for this. It is to remember the word 'WAIT' when talking to others- an acronym for Why Am I Talking. A reminder to simply listen. And further, to elicit other people's take on life and living.

I wish to add more wonder to my life by recognizing the wondrous life I live and the opportunities I have to feel and acknowledge the wonder inherent in that life. And all I have to do is remember to open myself. Wonder opens me to such richness and all I have to do is remember to say YES!

2007-01-14T10:33:00.000-08:00

Alone But Not Lonely

I have a strange feeling of shame when I tell people I need to be alone. Like they're going to judge me as being unconnected to others, or that I'm anti-social or something.

The thing is, I need time alone. Some of my richest moments are spent with myself. It gives me space to recharge, to process events, to calmly go within and remember my purpose, and to revisit my centre where I know absolutely who I am and why I'm here. The busy-ness, demands, and distractions of living sometimes take me from these things and I value the reminding. It helps me be the best person I can be.

And still...it's hard to say, "Sorry, but no, I need to be alone today." Strange how I've learned to feel awkward about doing something that is so life-enriching. And that sometimes I choose to be with others while avoiding what I need the most right then.

Note to self: being alone is definitely not about being lonely or anti-social, and spending time with myself is time well spent.

2006-12-30T18:54:00.000-08:00

Just Ask!

It totally amazes me how often I get what I want when I simply ask. And how often I choose not to ask for what I need or want out of fear or embarrassment or a sense of unworthiness.

I think that part of saying yes to life involves expressing our needs in order for them to be met, if possible. Let me be clear that I'm not advocating a demanding stance, or manipulation for the purposes of cajoling or pressuring others to bend to my will. I'm simply suggesting that we say what we want, clearly and honestly, and with an open heart. It's astounding how often such requests are answered positively.

And yet fear intrudes, or social restraints against being greedy, or needy, or rude. I think that one of the greatest things we can do as human beings is to be honest and open to others about our needs. It feels risky because the response may not be what we hope, but in risking the unknown we open ourselves to opportunities that otherwise may never be available to us. And in opening to others we invite reciprocation, which creates connection, and the comfort of mutual support and understanding.

All this and more by just asking.

2006-12-12T19:18:00.000-08:00

The Small Stuff Is Big!

A German Press Agency story says the small stuff we do is big when it comes to happiness. l agree that some simple strategies like thinking positive and being thankful are likely to result in a happier life, that physical activity helps, and some states of mind are best avoided. But a more encompassing, universal strategy can go a long way to setting the tone for a day, a week or a lifetime. That strategy is conscious intention.

To start each day with an intention that reflects our core beliefs, and that we have chosen specifically to create the richest possible life for ourselves is very powerful. Imagine leaving home each day with the basic intention to have the happiest day possible! And imagine remembering that intention throughout the day as we experience the various irritations and annoyances that, collectively, we turn into 'a bad day' because of how we react.

We already have everything we need to be happier and it's all in our attitude. Even in the worst circumstances there is potential for choosing a happier response. I love that the word creation has the same letters as the word reaction. It reminds me that we can craft seriously different responses from the same situations.

I choose to live a life of creation rather than reaction! And I know from experience that doing so results in an incrementally richer life.

2006-11-26T09:40:00.000-08:00

An Early Snow

Woke up this morning to an inch of snow with about four more in the forecast. Reminds me of how much my attitude has changed towards the unexpected in my life.

For a long time when something got in the way of what I expected I'd get all grumpy and dissatisfied. For a long time I was able to recognize how silly that reaction was but remained unable to change it. And then I had an epiphany.

I'd been managing a small pizza business that had been allowed to deteriorate before I took over. Long hours and much work took up all my energy and focus and I'd not allowed myself permission to take care of myself. After many weeks with no days off, and just when I felt like I was getting close to having the place running well again, I arrived one morning to find that the restaurant had been broken into overnight. Fridges were emptied onto the floor, tables were overturned, the front window and door were smashed, food and beverages littered every surface. Talk about the unexpected (and extremely unwelcome!)

After doing the reporting-of-a-crime dance with the police, having the window and door boarded up, and arranging for their replacement, I locked up and called a friend. We spent an amazing day playing frisbee and then hanging out at the fairgrounds. We rode the roller coaster a bunch of times and talked about the breakin and how I hadn't been paying enough attention to what I most needed. The breakin forced me to look at how hard I had been working, how driven I felt, and how much I had ignored my needs beyond the immediate task I had with the restaurant. I began to see my morning as a huge reminder. I was able to get back on track, include my needs into the mix, remember how important friends and human contact are, and get some valuable perspective that remains with me today.

The sudden, early snow has brought other options to the fore. I now seek comfort indoors (although we will likely go for a walk in the gently falling flakes) and I get to remember how blessed I am to have comfortable shelter, good friends, a variety of choices, and to live in a city that gives me snow occasionally as a pristine counterpoint to the usual weather we have. How could I possibly be grumpy or dissatisfied with such richness? What can be perceived as an impediment can also be seen as a catalyst, a reminder, and a blessing. Everything is, to some degree, what we decide it is!

So- gratitude for snow and breakins and friends and choice and...

2006-11-13T16:17:00.000-08:00

A Happier Birthday?

A recent article claims that we are more likely to have a heart attack on our birthday than on any other day of the year, apparently because we view the day as a negative. Funny...I mostly view birthdays as just another day of the year unless it's a milestone birthday- divisible by 10 for example.

I'm always a bit baffled when people say 'wouldn't it be great to be 18 again (or 25 or 30 or 50)?' I have absolutely no desire to return to a previous age, I want to be exactly how old I am right now! And even though I'm a bit more tempted when the person adds 'if you could go back knowing what you know now' I still have a strong no response. I don't want to reexperience my earlier life from the perspective I've gained during and since that time. I don't want to give up the wonder of naivete, or the fun of not knowing but plunging ahead anyway. And I surely don't want to forgo the progression of experience and understanding that comes from the various stages of life.

I will turn 50 in 6 months and I find that baffling (as I say to friends- how can I be turning 50 when I'm still just 25?), exciting (what will it be like to become older? I'm beginning to feel the physical effects of aging and I'm on my second prescription for reading glasses), scary (I've begun thinking of how and when I'll die- probably doesn't help that my partner is a palliative care nurse!), and precious (each age that I experience has it's own lessons, it's own feel and structure and gifts).

Birthdays are generally neither positive nor negative to me, although when I'm in a period of rapid growth or challenge I tend to view birthdays as especially positive. That particular day of the year becomes a reminder to reflect on my life: to ponder whether I wish to continue on the path I'm choosing; to reassess and choose another; or to fine-tune the one I choose to remain on.

As I've said in other blogs, we truly have only this moment. Birthdays help me to remember that and to focus on what really matters.

2006-10-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

Happiness Training?

Some studies point to the possiblity that happiness can be learned. A piece in the Princetonian discusses studies of religious and meditative practices, seeking to gain insight into whether we are able to learn to be happier.

While I was in New York recently, I was introduced to Shambala meditation and have been practicing off and on since then. Even though I am meditating just ten minutes each time (mostly just once during any particular day) I'm experiencing some unexpected results. I find myself having more moments of happiness.

Brief periods of quiet and focusing on my breathing reap benefits throughout the day. I find that I'm more present, and able to remember how important it is for me to experience this very moment. I'm less likely to be living in the past or the future. I notice more: sounds, smells, details of my surroundings. I feel more grounded, more capable, and yes, happier overall.

Often I become aware of what a marvel it all is. To be alive, to breathe, to connect with others, And I feel less worry and compulsion to do things. It's enough to just be.

It's so amazing that such a simple, brief commitment each day can lead to such a change. I'm a living example of what The Princetonian article documents. We CAN learn to have more happiness, and for me, meditation has become one of the ways.

2006-10-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

Simple Is Sometimes Hard

I've noticed lately that I have a shortage of patience. I find myself being short-tempered with those around me when things aren't going the way I expect or prefer.

Well, that's easy to deal with. Just notice my change in attitude/behaviour when it happens, recognize that's not how I wish to behave, and do whatever I need to chill out a bit. If only!

What happens instead? I get more and more caught up in being irked, and I notice stuff that reinforces the feeling. And guess what? That's right. The spiral away from knowing the world as a positive place gets bigger and bigger, until I experience pretty much everything through the lens of "why can't things be the way I want?"

Note to self...just relax, people are not here to meet your needs all the time, and flexibility allows for a much richer life. So there! Easy, huh?

2006-09-24T15:08:00.000-07:00

When Life Just Sucks!

Awhile ago I was thinking about how hard it can be to remember happiness strategies when I'm in the best of spirits, let alone when life turns hard. I stumbled on an article that talks about coping with hard times and taking some steps to move forward.

I used to believe that life is just hard sometimes and there's nothing much to do about it except to hunker down and wait for the storm to end. I still believe the first part- life truly is hard at times, but I realize now that even in the hardest times I can be gaining.

I try constantly to ask the question of myself what's the learning here for me. Although it's more difficult to remember the question when life is sucking, I sometimes remember to ask and it's changed many an experience for me. I've been able to move (at least a little bit) away from feeling the powerless victim, and towards a feeling of having some control, and even power. It has become so evident to me that there is value in every one of my experiences. I'd even venture to say that there is often more value in the "negative" times when my defenses are down and the hard stuff is more accessible for consideration (and, yes, feeling).

2006-09-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

Success Is What We Decide It Is

We're so messed up about success. We decide what we want and work towards the goal, but if we don't make it we attach the label 'failure' to ourselves. What a crock!

The really cool thing is that I get to decide for myself what success is for me. That means I can make the goal a preference instead of linking success to reaching that particular goal. I find this works really well. Let me give an example.

The first time I decided to train for a 10K run my first impulse was to define success as not only completing the run, but doing it in a certain time. I quickly tossed that success definition as a potential setup for 'failure'. What if I injured myself and couldn't run, or couldn't run as fast as usual? What if I missed some training runs and wasn't at my physical best on race day? Lots of stuff could get in the way of reaching what I deemed to be a successful outcome.

Instead, I decided that success would be doing the best I can while taking good care of myself throughout the thirteen weeks of training. This strategy has served me well through three years of doing various runs.

A great example from this year's Sun Run- I was very diligent about attending three running clinics each week and had bumped up two levels to a group whose speed and endurance was just slightly challenging to me. After two runs with the more advanced group I started having some pain and consulted with the group leader. He told me it could be a torn hamstring but I should try to keep running (carefully) and monitor myself physically before I made a decision about continuing. Well, the pain got worse.

If I'd been defining success as attending every training run and completing the 10K I could have easily labelled myself a failure. Because I had decided that success was doing my best and taking care of myself, I was able to stop running, rest, and see my choice as a success. I ended up not running at all for a month before the race and although I had to walk a couple of times I still completed in my second best time ever!

Success is what I decide it is!

2006-08-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

Is The Past Gone?

I'd say yes and no. The past is gone, in the sense we can no longer affect what happened, but for many of us what happened in the past still affects us. In some cases people are stuck and unable to move on from what was.

I read somewhere the following quote... "to forgive oneself is to give up all hope of ever having a better past". If anyone knows who wrote it please let me know.

What a brilliant thought! So much energy goes into mourning the past, wishing things could have been different. Forgiving myself for past transgressions reflects the truth that the past is over and no longer available to change. The only time we really have is this very moment. Everything else is past or future. And I can never have a better past! It is what it is. However, I do have a choice in how I deal with its effect on me. I choose to let go, ask forgiveness when appropriate, and move on to enjoy the moments I have.

2006-08-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

Happiness in the Workplace

An article on workplace happiness has much to say to those of us who are considering new employment, are just out of school and looking to apply our learning, or are in some way considering a change in our work environment. This got me wondering about those of us who are working and intend to stay with the employer we have. What can we do to create more satisfaction for ourselves?

One fairly simple way is to decide what we have control over and put our energy into those areas. I can't count the number of times I've been trying to push back the tide in the workplace- trying to change someone's behaviour, lobbying for my vision of how things should be, challenging workplace rules and procedures, etc., and suddenly realized these are situations over which I have little or no control.

I figure there are three possibilities in any situation...either I have absolute control (I'm the one who decides), I have some control (so I need to figure out what part(s) I have control over), or I have absolutely no control (think uncollaborative boss or the weather). I find it very helpful in the thick of interaction with others to stop for a moment and consider what is within my control. In the most confusing situations this allows me to focus on the best place to put my efforts and to recognize the black holes that await my senseless struggle.

The really great result of this strategy is that I can often sit back, consciously decide not to participate, and just watch the drama without getting all caught up in it.

2006-07-30T22:41:00.000-07:00

Happiness is NOT about being constantly happy!

Some people seem to think happiness is about being constantly smiling and bright-eyed and buoyant. At the risk of being considered a grump, I'd love to wear a t-shirt with the universal no slash across the familiar yellow smiley face. Let me explain.

I don't believe that happiness is about being constantly cheerful. Happiness is about experiencing our humanness as fully as possible. This includes all the stuff we work so hard to avoid: sadness, grief, disappointment, loss...the list goes on.

But none of what we feel is inherently negative. Grief is just grief, sadness just sadness. It's our reaction, our decision about what's happening that determines our experience. I love that the words reaction and creation have the exact same letters- a simple reminder that we create our own reaction. I choose my response and therefore can work towards doing so more consciously.

Life can be painful sometimes but the rewards of being fully alive are many. The most difficult times of my life are, in many ways, the most rewarding. I learn how strong I am, how willing I am to embrace life fully, and to learn about myself. My favourite question now, especially in the difficult moments, is What is the learning here for me? I'm often amazed by the answers.

But most importantly, the question allows me to reframe the difficult times. Instead of feeling burdened and overwhelmed, I'm able to focus on the value of the moment. An observer may see the tears, the need to be alone, the confusion, and decide I'm an unhappy guy. But appearances can be misleading. In consciously choosing the path to a richer life we embody the seeds of happiness.This is what happiness is to me- to feel life deeply while embracing the potential for growth and understanding. I can be in the deepest despair and still be choosing happiness.

The facade of happy-smiley-face-all-the-time does not represent the many opportunities for choosing the path to a richer, happier life. We can choose depth over the superficial, knowing that happiness is available in every moment, not just the "positive" ones.

2006-07-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

Any Age But This One?

Occasionally people say how great it would be to be a different age and I've never really understood the attraction.

Has anyone ever said to you, "Wouldn't it be great to be 18 again (or 30 or 50)? Whenever I've heard this question my gut response has been absolutely no way! Sometimes the questioner adds "if you could go back knowing what you know now," and even that doesn't change my mind.

I can't imagine going back to an earlier part of my life. Why would I do that? The challenges I experience now are as important and relevant as the earlier events in my life. It would be like going on a trip and deciding to backtrack because the memory of a place visited earlier seems better than what I'm visiting now. It seems like hopeless romanticism to long for something past while the present is here right now.

I enjoy remembering the past, especially from the perspective of an older (and hopefully wiser!) vantage point. I appreciate the learning I can mine from my past, but I have no desire to actually live it again.

Now, that's not to say that I live perfectly in the present. I experience regrets about the past and sometimes worry about, or try to plan, the future. Even still, I know that life happens now, right this moment. To be anywhere else is to choose to be less than fully alive.

2006-06-20T16:28:00.000-07:00

Choosing Happiness

I spend a lot of my time on auto-pilot. I make choices every day, and so many of them are made on the fly, without a whole lot of thought. Sometimes this means I make decisions based on old or flawed information.

Choices are made based on conclusions I've come to in my life, some formed may years ago. And way too many were formed from the advice or prejudices of those around me at the time. But I'm older now. I have more experience on which to base my responses. Unfortunately, auto-pilot doesn't allow for fine tuning and so my choices are often not the best they can be.

The challenge is to be conscious in the moment of choice. Then I can make decisions with the intention of creating the most positive results.

Curt Rosen of Passion Catalyst International writes about this in regard to career change but it applies equally well to choosing happiness. He suggests asking the question If I stay on the path I'm on now, am I likely to be happy (and I would add 'or happier') in five years? and using the answer to help shape choices in terms of how they may affect me in the future.

Practice is helping me choose the more-likely-to-be-happier path but I still review my choices. This allows me perspective to ponder other alternatives I could have considered, to evaluate whether the outcome was a good one, and to remind myself to be more present each time I make a choice. Sounds easy, but challenging patterns can be tough. Thankfully the benefits are real and life-enhancing.

In the same vein, check out some words of wisdom from Gary Mosher about how to be happier.

2006-06-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

Imperfect World

I read an article recently about how we can get in our own way with unrealistic expectations about the world.

My favourite unrealistic expectation is that everyone should see things the way I do. It's quite simple really. If everyone would just realize that I've given it (whatever 'it' is in the particular circumstance) some thought and therefore have come to the one and only correct conclusion, the world would be much better place. I can't help wondering how much of this attitude comes from the privilege I've learned to take for granted simply for being born male.

Wherever it comes from, this attitude, this approach, creates competitive struggle rather than collaborative effort. It feels so much better when a question or issue is resolved cooperatively. I know, I know: that's so messy, and difficult, and time-consuming. But it's also messy, difficult, and time-consuming to deal with the aftermath of people not heard, of ideas not considered, of outcomes lessened by a dearth of options.

And yet, my default behaviour is about attempting to convince others of the rightness of my process. The certainty that I have the best (or only) answer.

Again, confirmation that the learning never stops. What a blessing!

2006-05-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

Strategies For A Happier Day

I've noticed some stuff about how my moment to moment choices affect my days.

If I give in to grumpiness it stays or gets worse. Then small, truly inconsequential things bother me more and I close down to other possibilities. Conversely, when I notice the grumpiness and do what I need to get past it (not always easy!) I have a much more fulfilling day.

When I make a point of saying hi! to others and engaging them in conversation, I leave the exchange feeling lighter and more alive.

Playing fun little games with my awareness opens me to experiences I otherwise wouldn't have. For example, some days I decide to notice everything that is a certain colour. Not only does this remind me throughout the day how much I usually shut out, but it focuses my attention on stuff I may have passed many times and simply not seen.

Learning is always and everywhere. My days are richer when I'm able to remember that and ask myself what is the learning? Especially in difficult or painful moments.

I have a little phrase I try to remember daily- 'it has to be fun.' I am aware that life sometimes serves up experiences that are less than fun and that's a different situation altogether. What I'm talking about is rating my actions and reactions with the yardstick of whether I am having as much fun as I can in a particular moment. This helps me to focus on what matters most to me- engagement and personal satisfaction.

I notice that my mind is constantly spewing judgement. And sometimes my judgements create distance from others when what I really want is more connection.

If I actually listen to others, really listen, I'm reminded of how much I usually disregard or simply don't get when I'm in my usual mode of making every exchange so much about me.

Starting my day with conscious intention is incredibly powerful.

Engaging different senses is a way for me to have wider experience. Closing my eyes and just listening or smelling or touching or hearing lets me remember how much of the world I experience through sight. And how much of the other sense impressions get filtered out or disregarded.

The easiest thing I can do for a happier day is to just look at people and smile.

When I write this down it all seems so easy and simple. Yet how often I get caught up in busyness, anxiety, frustration, and the feeling that the world is an obstacle course set up to thwart my desires. But I know the world is what I make of it, and in my choices are embodied outcomes that are somewhat predictable. I simply need to choose to be open rather that closed.
And I need to continue welcoming others into my life however I can.

2006-05-03T13:44:00.000-07:00

Holographic Happiness

I experienced my life as a hologram recently. It happened while I was running.

As a challenge I decided to train for a 10 kilometre run this year and am now in week 9 of three training runs a week. What I notice about my choices and inner dialogue while running is an insight into what I feel and how I make decisions in other areas of my life. Let me give you an example.

Often when running I feel as though I can't go on, at times I really really really just want to stop and do something way easier and more fulfilling (like watching a movie and eating junk food for example). What often happens, though, is I become more determined to complete my goal of running that day.

I ran 9K on the seawall this past weekend and the course was around a number of forested points jutting into English Bay, with a short path visible to each point. Each time I rounded a point and saw no clues about how close I might be to the end of the run, I felt my resolve weakening. But each time I made it my goal to reach the next outcropping. And my inner voice said 'I will make it to the end no matter what." What's funny is that I played a little mind game on myself, agreeing internally that I could stop and walk a bit if I reached the next point and needed a rest. But at the same time I knew I wouldn't be stopping until I reached the end.

Reaching my goal became a point of pride and accomplishment. And I did this knowing that a successful non-stop finish would contribute to my happiness. It would be a more fulfilling result and I would feel happier in my sense of achievement.

I realize that within each experience is a reflection of the larger picture of my happiness. I can be present in any moment, get insights into my attitude towards my own happiness, and recognize choices I make and the reasons I make them. I can then filter that information through the screen of the question Is this choice more likely to lead to a richer, happier outcome, or is it not? The answer I get can inform my choices in other areas.

The metaphor of each moment being a hologram of life choices and behaviours has become very powerful to me. What an amazing short cut to self-knowledge and positive change this is! And these insights are available to me all the time and anywhere.

2006-04-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

Is 50/50 always the best solution?

Have you ever had a disagreeement with someone and decided to "compromise" by meeting each other half way: the 50/50 solution?

I think there's a more realistic way to deal with disagreement that includes an element I rarely see acknowledged in such discussions.

A scenario:

Sukrit and and Joanne are deciding what to do on an upcoming three week vacation. The discussion starts with each of them talking about where they would like to go and they narrow it down to two possibilities: Joanne wants to travel to Europe and Sukrit says he'd prefer to spend the time camping near home.

Clearly the two options are mutually exclusive. They both begin to defend their stated preference and the conversation gets more heated, each becoming more entrenched in their vacation choice.

A common response to such a situation is to "compromise". In the above example it could mean camping locally for a few days or a week, then heading to Europe for two weeks, or starting with Europe and camping for a weekend upon their return, among other possibilities.

Often this is a reasonable approach, resulting in an agreeable solution. What I see as limiting is that we rarely include the crucial factor of how important the activities are to each of the people involved. What if Sukrit needs some quiet time to recharge from his stressful job? What if the trip to Europe would include a last chance for Joanne to see a newfound elderly relative who could fill her in on some family history? Of course the gradations of importance are usually less dramatic then these examples but the principle still applies.

Sometimes I think it's useful to take a minute and talk about how important each choice is. This is easily expressed on a scale (one to ten, say). What sometimes happens is that one person has no great stake in either option (they're at 0 or 1), while the other may score her need at the high end of the scale (maybe even a 10). Such a conversation is far likelier to result in the greatest need being satisfied and of both participants jointly creating the most appropriate outcome.

And regardless of the result, the potential is increased for each person to feel heard and to have their needs more accurately reflected in the final decision.

2006-04-12T14:10:00.000-07:00

Appreciate Where You Are Right Now

I often struggle with being in the present. I ponder regrets and unfulfulled dreams from the past, immerse myself in wants for the future. All while the only moments I truly have, pass me by, unappreciated.

How often I wish I had something different than what I have. I know that to truly appreciate where I am is the most profoundly satisfying experience I can have, yet I continue choosing to be out of the present.

I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world but am oblivious to that truth most of the time. A friend was visiting from the States recently and we went for a bike ride along the waterfront. She couldn't stop marvelling at the beauty just minutes from where I live. She kept saying, "You're so lucky to live here. It's so green and you can smell the ocean all the time." And she's right.

The really odd thing is that when I slow down and I am present, the wonder of life and living is just below the busy-ness and urgency I usually operate within.

When I'm having a conversation with someone, I am often not completely listening to what they say. I'm too busy formulating a response. I seem to have some stake in the response being witty, or clever, or particularly relevant. I want to be considered intelligent and thoughtful. This desire keeps me from being present with people in my life. I need to be more aware of this and make the effort to change my patterns so I can be more in the moment with others.

I've taken some action over the last while that fits with being more present. I've almost stopped reading newspapers. I find the "news" is mostly about the worst of human nature and much of what's in the papers is fear based. Newspapers and TV seem to take me away from the actual world.

For a long time I've not had a television but when I watch TV news in a hotel or at someone's house, it hits me how we're being fed violence, fear, and urgency as entertainment. This tends to speed me up and make me anxious. I prefer not to be so bombarded, and therefore abstain.

Kids know what it's like to live in the wonder of the moment. We can learn so much from children! I can't remember the last time I surrendered to a rose or a tree or the wind-blown ocean. I remember seeing a child at the park, totally engrossed in the area where the outgoing tide was washing the beach. She was running and giggling and urging her Dad to "come Daddy, look." What happens to that joy? To that ability to experience a moment so fully?

Amazing how much I can simply take for granted, how much I have to be truly grateful for. And how much I miss by not being here right now, and right now, and right now. All those moments passing, unseen, unheard. All that muted experience, available with a simple YES!

2006-04-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

Knowing's Not Enough

When I learn something new about myself I tend to stumble around for awhile, absorbing the new information, before integrating it into my behaviour and choices.

Trying out new ways of doing things feels like getting into an unfamiliar car. The ride may not be as smooth as I'm used to, the cushions not quite as comfy. I sometimes feel slightly disoriented. The buttons and controls feel like they're in different places.

The biggest way I've been experiencing this lately is in the realization that I don't fully trust people, even my nearest and dearest friends.

I've been vaguely aware of this since my teens. Knee-jerk wariness and defense go back to my early years when I learned I couldn't rely on my parents or other adults. What they said seemed to change from day to day. I didn't get the consistency that would have enhanced my sense of trust, the sense that I could depend on others, that what people said was a true reflection of the world.

When I first learned untrusting behaviour it was a relevant and realistic choice given my experience at the time. Unfortunately, as an adult, I find this ancient choice not so life-affirming. I notice I sometimes isolate myself from experiences that could further enrich my life. I distance myself in fear and a need to protect myself.

So, I've been making forays outside my usual comfort zone. Instead of manifesting the roles I've developed to feel safe- playing the clown or voicing the expert - I am being more still. I'm being more curious and asking more questions of people. And I'm actively choosing to be more honest in the moment.

Having made the decision to look at such old behaviour, I now find myself in the strange new car of change. Travelling a road of more conscious choice about ideas and behaviours I learned over many years and which have become second nature.

Knowing is simply not enough. Knowing without conscious intent and action adds up to pretty much nothing.

Sometimes life is about choosing a new vehicle, finding the pedals, and learning to use them.

2006-03-22T18:29:00.000-08:00

Happiness at Harvard

A course on happiness is popular at Harvard University according to a recent article. Is it really surprising that a lot of people are interested in happiness?

In retrospect I wish there had been a section on happiness when I was in high school (or even elementary school). What a head start that would have been! I imagine getting some ideas early on about happiness. Standing on the shoulders of those who had previously travelled the path I was to find myself on by my teen years. I'm not talking about a carved-in-stone list of happiness musts. More like a study of what others have found useful. Even just a list of various quotes on the subject would have been better than the nothing I got.

What is particularly frustrating to me now is the lack of awareness of such simple stategies as conscious intention, personal integrity, and introspection as choices more likely to lead to a happier, richer life.

Such information is now readily available under the name (and Harvard course title) of Positive Psychology. Lots of research has been done in the past couple of decades regarding happiness and a lot of what I could have used in my past is now readily available.

Much of what our culture tells us about happiness is just not true. For example, there is only minimal correlation between wealth and happiness, and most predominately during the period when those living in poverty are becoming able to provide for basic needs.

There seems to be a 'happiness set point' that determines the range of happiness we each are able to experience. The key is that we can make choices to enhance our level of happiness, no matter where in the range we normally operate.

I'd love to live in a culture that celebrates happiness. A culture that prides itself on nurturing a happiness not dangled as a carrot dependent on income level or material achievement or consumption.

I say let's shout happiness news from the rooftops! How about including happiness strategies in the daily papers, on cereal boxes, in movie trailers... Now I'm getting a bit silly, but the point I'm trying to make is that the information is out there and much of what we can do to lead richer, happier lives is very simple to grasp. Mostly, we just need to be reminded. I know I do. Let's live happier!

2006-03-13T14:07:00.000-08:00

ClutterMind: The Unexamined Scourge

There is a blight on the land and in our minds. A relentless, eternally patient and everpresent interloper that saps the concentration of many. Most of us have experienced its symptoms: confusion; inability to focus; forgotten goals; the chaos of cluttered thinking. This master of mayhem I call ClutterMind.

It is a constant visitor in my life. It's the tendency to overwhelm myself with many details, commitments, doubts, judgements, etc. While I'm in this state I feel way less able to focus on what I know is best for me. Way less able to remember my goals let alone work towards them. It's as though the decisions I've made for myself, for my forward movement, for the realization of my desires, just fall by the wayside. I return to a state of helplessness, a place of confusion, where I have little or no sense of control.

My pal Elinor Warkentin, an organizer and clutter consultant, says on her website that clutter blocks us from moving forward, and that physical clutter is often a manifestation of mental clutter. I think Elinor is as much a counsellor as she is a clutter consultant. And I think she's right.

My mental state manifests in the physical world. The more I experience ClutterMind, the less likely I am to maintain orderly surroundings. When I suffer from ClutterMind I am less likely to have order in my physical world. I'm less able to concentrate, make decisions, stay organized, establish priorities, and work toward goals. Chuck Gallozzi talks about this in a recent article that deals with the effects of mental and physical clutter.

Knowing the dynamics helps, but changing is a challenge. Sometimes I'm able to stop and realize that I need to focus on just one thing of importance. When I've accomplished even one simple task I'm more able to change the muddle to mindfulness. And although the concept of a house full of undone to-do lists strikes me as a potential liability (not to mention being the fodder of stand-up comics), making the odd list and crossing off as I go seems to help me focus.

I seem to exist on a continuum, with some control over where I am at any given moment. But it's hard to be present enough, intentional enough, to choose my spot within the range of available possibilities.

I'm getting better at recognizing how Cluttermind feels in action. This gives me more chances to choose differently, and the more I practice the better I get at conscious choice. Plus, it becomes more likely I'll continue adding to the amount of time I'm able to function in a clearer frame of mind.

2006-03-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

Snowing in Seattle

It happened about fifteen years ago. The snow came down so fast the city was pretty much paralyzed in just a few hours. My partner and I had gone to Seattle for a visit and watched the snow pile up outside the window of a Mexican restaurant in Pike Place Market.

As the flakes grew thicker on the ground we made our way outside. There we discovered many people heading home, fleeing the city early as the white got deeper.

Down to the bus tunnel. Lots of people waiting for buses that never came. We headed up again and decided to walk. I-5 was literally a parking lot. We later heard the gridlock was so complete that drivers began running out of gas and abandoning their cars, making it impossible to clear the highway other than with tow trucks. Along the way we helped push an ambulance uphill, passed several empty buses abandoned on corners, saw a bus with just two people inside: a weary-looking driver talking to a person in a wheelchair.

I am fascinated by circumstances that cause the usual flow to back up and find a new path, like water around an obstacle. What a wonder that day was!

It took us three hours to walk back to our friends' place. On the way we ducked into still-open businesses to get warm, made snow-angels, and tossed snowballs, moving ever slower through the increasing depths.

The most interesting part of the day was seeing the reactions of other people. They seemed mostly to fall into three camps: playfully enjoying the unexpected magic; matter-of-factly coping; or grumpily decrying the horrible experience.

Same outward experience, varied reactions.

What to say about that? At first I felt sad for the grumps, even superior- I am so evolved and able to adapt and enjoy! But you know what? Every reaction I saw that day is in me and I manifest them all at times. How often have other people relished an unexpected turn of events that I chose to resist and be annoyed by? And how many times have I become more grumpy when I see other people reacting to a shared event in a more joyful way than me? We were recipients of some of that in Seattle. The judgemental stares, the tsk-tsk-ing, the comments- "what are you so happy about?"

Sure, we were in Seattle on a visit, not anxious to get home to family and dinner and rest. We had no firm commitments. Seeing others react so differently to the snow was a mirror for me. I can't help acknowledging how often I choose the grumpy path. I experience grumpiness for different reasons, but the truth is I still choose it! Or, more accurately, I choose not to choose when the reaction arises, which someone far wiser than me has said is actually a choice!

This is certainly not a new idea...psychologist Wayne Fleisig has published an amusing article as a reminder. What I'm getting at is the need to be more intentional. I want to make choices that are more likely to lead to a richer, more satisfying life.

I remember arriving at our friends' that night feeling a good kind of tired, having played and felt the wonder of nature's message to us that life is not always predictable. That we don't always get the expected. But there were some folks that day, I suspect, that arrived home dwelling on adversity, inconvenience, and how life is such a slog. Hmmmmm, which outcome do I prefer?

Reminder to self: I am constantly choosing my reactions and can intentionally create the potential for a richer, happier life. And I want to live my life with wonder, as though it's always snowing in Seattle.

2006-02-23T10:35:00.000-08:00

The Science of Happiness?

A lot of research is being done lately on the subject of happiness. Dr. Martin Seligman has been at the forefront of positive psychology studies and is a well known expert in the field of happiness. Strange to think that pondering what's right with people instead of what's wrong was/is revolutionary.

Although I don't usually subscribe to the idea of top ten lists, a recent article reports some interesting research findings

We each find our own way to happiness and our paths can be very different. What works for you may not work for me. Or an area of life that I've chosen as a major focus for reflection and learning may not even be on your radar.

I do know a few things from the journey:

it's OK not to know
patience helps
beating myself up seems to make things harder
if I know it's right for me, the opinions of others don't matter as much
intentional choice focussed on the likelier path to a richer, happier life allows me to move in that direction . Not every single time, but overall, it works!

And maybe most of all, it helps to share our time, skills, knowledge, understanding, compassion with others. I love that we're each so unique but so much the same in our basic need for simple human connection.

2006-02-21T11:48:00.000-08:00

The Road To Happiness

It seems I’ve always wondered about happiness.

Happiness and I were so unacquainted in my younger years that I firmly believed its portrayal in movies, books, articles, etc. was false, just a fairy tale tease. And all the messages about money and objects equalling happiness just never sat well.

I decided pretty early that getting and spending was an empty enticement. But whatever I read about happiness was just a bunch of opinions. In talking to other people, reading some more, and trying different ways of doing things, I asked myself the question If money and possessions are not the road to happiness and life satisfaction, what is?

Over the past 30 years I’ve pursued trial-and-error happiness with some hard-won success. Thankfully, a new focus on the study of happiness has recently developed. Happiness is all over the place these days: Time has done a whole cover section on happiness; googling the word happiness results in 63 million hits; books on the subject are coming out at a rapid pace.

I recently read an article which addresses a key finding that there is only a slight correlation between income level, possessions, and happiness (I feel vindicated!).

The article lists some things that are conducive to happiness: realistic goals; self-esteem; optimism; an outgoing personality; a sense of control; close relationships; fit and healthy bodies; challenging work and active leisure; adequate rest; and a faith that entails communal support, purpose and acceptance.

A few thoughts occur to me as I ponder this one list from a single article. All of the areas mentioned are ripe for life-long exploration, learning, and expansion, and our levels of satisfaction or fulfillment in each fluctuates over time (even over the course of day or an hour!).

I know that by conscious choice I can enhance the possibility of higher levels of happiness in each of the areas. I’ve learned from personal experience that a focus on what matters can and does lead to greater happiness.

The truth is we can choose to be happier! in many small ways every day.

There is so much easily accessed information based on happiness research as well as the personal experience of other seekers. I’m excited at the groundswell of interest in such an important topic.

For a brief historical perspective:
Check out a review of the new book Happiness: A History, by Darrin M. McMahon