Knowing's Not Enough

When I learn something new about myself I tend to stumble around for awhile, absorbing the new information, before integrating it into my behaviour and choices.

Trying out new ways of doing things feels like getting into an unfamiliar car. The ride may not be as smooth as I'm used to, the cushions not quite as comfy. I sometimes feel slightly disoriented. The buttons and controls feel like they're in different places.

The biggest way I've been experiencing this lately is in the realization that I don't fully trust people, even my nearest and dearest friends.

I've been vaguely aware of this since my teens. Knee-jerk wariness and defense go back to my early years when I learned I couldn't rely on my parents or other adults. What they said seemed to change from day to day. I didn't get the consistency that would have enhanced my sense of trust, the sense that I could depend on others, that what people said was a true reflection of the world.

When I first learned untrusting behaviour it was a relevant and realistic choice given my experience at the time. Unfortunately, as an adult, I find this ancient choice not so life-affirming. I notice I sometimes isolate myself from experiences that could further enrich my life. I distance myself in fear and a need to protect myself.

So, I've been making forays outside my usual comfort zone. Instead of manifesting the roles I've developed to feel safe- playing the clown or voicing the expert - I am being more still. I'm being more curious and asking more questions of people. And I'm actively choosing to be more honest in the moment.

Having made the decision to look at such old behaviour, I now find myself in the strange new car of change. Travelling a road of more conscious choice about ideas and behaviours I learned over many years and which have become second nature.

Knowing is simply not enough. Knowing without conscious intent and action adds up to pretty much nothing.

Sometimes life is about choosing a new vehicle, finding the pedals, and learning to use them.