Is 50/50 always the best solution?


Have you ever had a disagreeement with someone and decided to "compromise" by meeting each other half way: the 50/50 solution?

I think there's a more realistic way to deal with disagreement that includes an element I rarely see acknowledged in such discussions.

A scenario:

Sukrit and and Joanne are deciding what to do on an upcoming three week vacation. The discussion starts with each of them talking about where they would like to go and they narrow it down to two possibilities: Joanne wants to travel to Europe and Sukrit says he'd prefer to spend the time camping near home.

Clearly the two options are mutually exclusive. They both begin to defend their stated preference and the conversation gets more heated, each becoming more entrenched in their vacation choice.

A common response to such a situation is to "compromise". In the above example it could mean camping locally for a few days or a week, then heading to Europe for two weeks, or starting with Europe and camping for a weekend upon their return, among other possibilities.

Often this is a reasonable approach, resulting in an agreeable solution. What I see as limiting is that we rarely include the crucial factor of how important the activities are to each of the people involved. What if Sukrit needs some quiet time to recharge from his stressful job? What if the trip to Europe would include a last chance for Joanne to see a newfound elderly relative who could fill her in on some family history? Of course the gradations of importance are usually less dramatic then these examples but the principle still applies.

Sometimes I think it's useful to take a minute and talk about how important each choice is. This is easily expressed on a scale (one to ten, say). What sometimes happens is that one person has no great stake in either option (they're at 0 or 1), while the other may score her need at the high end of the scale (maybe even a 10). Such a conversation is far likelier to result in the greatest need being satisfied and of both participants jointly creating the most appropriate outcome.

And regardless of the result, the potential is increased for each person to feel heard and to have their needs more accurately reflected in the final decision.

Appreciate Where You Are Right Now


I often struggle with being in the present. I ponder regrets and unfulfulled dreams from the past, immerse myself in wants for the future. All while the only moments I truly have, pass me by, unappreciated.

How often I wish I had something different than what I have. I know that to truly appreciate where I am is the most profoundly satisfying experience I can have, yet I continue choosing to be out of the present.

I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world but am oblivious to that truth most of the time. A friend was visiting from the States recently and we went for a bike ride along the waterfront. She couldn't stop marvelling at the beauty just minutes from where I live. She kept saying, "You're so lucky to live here. It's so green and you can smell the ocean all the time." And she's right.

The really odd thing is that when I slow down and I am present, the wonder of life and living is just below the busy-ness and urgency I usually operate within.

When I'm having a conversation with someone, I am often not completely listening to what they say. I'm too busy formulating a response. I seem to have some stake in the response being witty, or clever, or particularly relevant. I want to be considered intelligent and thoughtful. This desire keeps me from being present with people in my life. I need to be more aware of this and make the effort to change my patterns so I can be more in the moment with others.

I've taken some action over the last while that fits with being more present. I've almost stopped reading newspapers. I find the "news" is mostly about the worst of human nature and much of what's in the papers is fear based. Newspapers and TV seem to take me away from the actual world.

For a long time I've not had a television but when I watch TV news in a hotel or at someone's house, it hits me how we're being fed violence, fear, and urgency as entertainment. This tends to speed me up and make me anxious. I prefer not to be so bombarded, and therefore abstain.

Kids know what it's like to live in the wonder of the moment. We can learn so much from children! I can't remember the last time I surrendered to a rose or a tree or the wind-blown ocean. I remember seeing a child at the park, totally engrossed in the area where the outgoing tide was washing the beach. She was running and giggling and urging her Dad to "come Daddy, look." What happens to that joy? To that ability to experience a moment so fully?

Amazing how much I can simply take for granted, how much I have to be truly grateful for. And how much I miss by not being here right now, and right now, and right now. All those moments passing, unseen, unheard. All that muted experience, available with a simple YES!

Knowing's Not Enough

When I learn something new about myself I tend to stumble around for awhile, absorbing the new information, before integrating it into my behaviour and choices.

Trying out new ways of doing things feels like getting into an unfamiliar car. The ride may not be as smooth as I'm used to, the cushions not quite as comfy. I sometimes feel slightly disoriented. The buttons and controls feel like they're in different places.

The biggest way I've been experiencing this lately is in the realization that I don't fully trust people, even my nearest and dearest friends.

I've been vaguely aware of this since my teens. Knee-jerk wariness and defense go back to my early years when I learned I couldn't rely on my parents or other adults. What they said seemed to change from day to day. I didn't get the consistency that would have enhanced my sense of trust, the sense that I could depend on others, that what people said was a true reflection of the world.

When I first learned untrusting behaviour it was a relevant and realistic choice given my experience at the time. Unfortunately, as an adult, I find this ancient choice not so life-affirming. I notice I sometimes isolate myself from experiences that could further enrich my life. I distance myself in fear and a need to protect myself.

So, I've been making forays outside my usual comfort zone. Instead of manifesting the roles I've developed to feel safe- playing the clown or voicing the expert - I am being more still. I'm being more curious and asking more questions of people. And I'm actively choosing to be more honest in the moment.

Having made the decision to look at such old behaviour, I now find myself in the strange new car of change. Travelling a road of more conscious choice about ideas and behaviours I learned over many years and which have become second nature.

Knowing is simply not enough. Knowing without conscious intent and action adds up to pretty much nothing.

Sometimes life is about choosing a new vehicle, finding the pedals, and learning to use them.